I don't do Twitter. Facebook is bad enough; Twitter is the ultimate expression of the banal raised to an alleged art form.
A few weeks ago, the Show Tunes Correspondent exposed me to the Twitter site "Shit My Dad Says," where a Twit (if that's what they call Twitter users) posts entertaining things his 74-year-old father says, and the old man is a riot. Among my favorite over the past few weeks:
"Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down."
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."
"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."
"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."
"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."
"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."
"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away."
"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."
"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."
"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."
"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."
"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts."
"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."
"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."
"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0"
"Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."
Yesterday he hit the jackpot:
"Might not do a damn bit of good, but tell people to donate to Haiti on your twitter thing." TEXT "Haiti" to 90999 to donate 10$
That's an old, crabby man with class. I want to be like him when I grow up.