Tomorrow is my quarterly visit to the doctor. My cholesterol will be checked, as will my liver, to make sure the cholesterol medication isn’t killing me faster than the cholesterol. It’s also time for the annual “Senator Larry Craig does this every day but he’s not gay” digital prostate exam.
The prostate I can live with. Too many people have called me an asshole for too long for me to take offense. It’s the damned cholesterol and the dance my doctor and I will go through that’s wearing thin.
DOCTOR: Hmm, weight’s still up at 245.
ME: Yep. I’ve been meaning to exercise, but things have been busy. Work schedule’s bad, no time for walks, eating on the run sometimes.
DOCTOR: I know it’s tough, but those triglycerides are still high. Need to cut back on the sweets. Or there’s another prescription I can write that could help there.
That’s enough. I already take enough drugs every morning that I don’t feel as though I’m skipping breakfast; I’m full.
Here’s my gripe. I don’t smoke, do unprescribed drugs, or engage in indiscriminate and/or risky sexual behavior. My total alcohol intake is about a case of beer a year. The house bottle of Jack Daniel’s lasts, on average, three years. I drink no coffee, decaffeinated tea, and caffeine-free Coke when it’s available. I have one vice. (Aside from the asshole thing noted above.) I like chocolate. Sweets in general, but especially chocolate. It’s my preferred form of stress relief.
When I get stressed, I don’t come home, do a couple of lines of coke, drink half a bottle of Jack, and shove the Crazy Like Me Correspondent around. I eat a Hershey bar. With almonds, if I feel like indulging myself. Sometimes, after a really tough day of wallowing in the trough of government waste and largesse, I need some ice cream, or even – dare I say it? – a milkshake.
Is that so bad? Should I have to die for it? Maybe Congress, instead of whoring themselves out to the highest bidder, should try doing something that will benefit everyone for a change. Maybe a program, like they have for polluters, where one company’s unused credits can be bought by a worse polluter. “Well, he doesn’t smoke or drink, and he stays clear of hookers. Okay, half a dozen Oreos.”
Is that too much to ask?