The surrealism of Twenty-First Century life has been ratcheted up another notch by the recent wave of violence surrounding the publication of some Danish cartoons depicting the prophet Muhammad in what some of his more zealous followers consider to be a less than flattering light. There have been demonstrations, violence, stuff blown up; you know, the usual.
The Home Office has scrupulously avoided overtly criticizing religious beliefs; I say overtly because you never know what fringe group might be mortally offended and willing to condemn me to eternal damnation because I put gum in a car lock or don’t believe homosexuals will burn in hell. With that in mind, keeping to our devoutly-held philosophy of religious tolerance, I have a simple bit of advice for those Muslims currently acting out their indignity over these cartoons.
Kiss my ass, you towel-headed, camel-driving sand monkeys.
Who the hell do these people think they are? Pledging themselves to an eradication of another religion with a far longer (and greater) history of accomplishment and wisdom, they disdain the principles of freedom and tolerance we cherish while demanding respect for their own barbaric customs of genital mutilation, female servitude, and “honor” killings. Mayhem is their standard response to anything they disagree with, which is anything that doesn’t comply fully with their own paranoid, vengeance-driven vision of how life ought to be.
I’m no Koran scholar, but is this what the prophet Mohammad taught? (Yes, I know today’s accepted spelling is Qu’ran, or some other arbitrary arrangement of letters. Who’s to say which is right? Their alphabet looks like squid shit on the side of an aquarium; let’s stay hooked on phonics and spell it in some manner we can pronounce.) If intolerance and violence are the primary tenets of his “religion,” then the Danish cartoons in question were too tame. If the radicals storming European embassies recently are truly devout and accurate followers of Mohammed’s teachings, then it’s well past time for outing him as the deranged, xenophobic, closet-living incestuous pedophilic fudge packer that he was. Is that derogatory enough for you? Bring it on, asshole.
It should go without saying (but doesn’t) that these comments are intended for a small minority of Muslims. I have known, worked with, and been friends with Muslims, and find them not to be any different than Christians, Jews, Buddhists, and any other religion you can name in how they treat others, and would like to be treated themselves. Even to them, I must say it’s time you cut these alleged zealots loose; they are the face of your religion to much of the world, and it’s not flattering.