WASHINGTON, D.C. - George W. Bush shocked the world today by declining to take the oath of office for a second term as President of the United States.
"Ah, hell," he said through a spokesman, "it's been fun and all, but four years is plenty. I only did it so's I could stick it to Clinton and Saddam Hussein for making my Daddy look bad all them years. I want to thank Karl "The Fuhrer" Rove and Jeb and all them wild galoots in Ohio who made this possible, but now it's time to get likkered up before I'm too old to piss it out again."
Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment and is not expected to stick his head out of his undisclosed location until February 2, when he makes his annual prediction on the arrival of spring.