From the Network That Fired Conan and Kept Jay

Anyone looking for examples of what’s wrong with contemporary television need only watch an evening of NBC’s Olympic coverage to be satisfied for a year. Assuming you can figure out what’s on.

Olympic program listings are always pot luck affairs. Schedules change due to weather; unexpected events may require more coverage. The advent of this whole Interwebs thing should give NBC an opportunity to keep potential viewers relatively well informed. Should. The web site’s program guide has been incorrect several times already, as, apparently, have been the schedules released to the cable and FiOS providers. I set the DVR to record the opening games of the American and Canadian men’s hockey teams the other day, right off my program guide, and came home to several hours of curling.

Even when the guide is right, it’s incomplete. Many listings just say, “XXI Winter Olympics – Sweden at Canada.” (Actually, only one said that. It’s an example.) Doesn’t say which sport. Could be hockey, could be curling. Could be men’s or women’s. Since the listings on screen sometimes disagree with the listings on the web site, and each has already been proven wrong on more than one non-weather-related occasion, it’s hard to know when things are happening.

It’s possible NBC doesn’t want you to record afternoon events because you’ll watch them in the evening instead of their big ticket commercials. Television as we know it exists to generate advertising revenue; programming is included only because the networks need something to entice you into watching their commercials. (Think about it: if NBC thought you’d watch nothing but commercials for three hours a night, do you really believe they’d bother with this Olympics nonsense?)

For a time, the networks allowed us to believe they viewed commercials as a necessary evil; they had to pay for the programming somehow. Now they don’t try to disguise the fact they only broadcast programming to get you to watch the commercials. Sports segments from Vancouver have been as short as two or three minutes. A couple of ski runs or speed skating races. A typical schedule looks like this: a four-and-a-half minute figure skating routine, followed by two or more minutes of commercials, followed by the skaters receiving their scores (a couple of minutes), followed by more commercials. Repeat till midnight.

Figure skating was chosen for the above example because if there’s any going on, that’s what you’ll see. A signature event of the Winter Olympics, akin to the 1500 meter run or 100 meter dash in the summer, is the men’s downhill. This year the downhill was postponed a few days due to bad weather. When it finally went off, it was the same day as figure skating. Six two-minute runs were shown in the course of forty minutes of commercials and features; basically the medal winners and other Americans. Figure skating filled a couple of hours, including skaters the announcers admitted were only there to gain experience. They had no chance to medal. Even to an untrained eye, it was easy to see they were the second team.

I’m sure NBC has research that shows women watch a lot of figure skating, and that keeps their ratings up. The supposition must be that men in the coveted 25-49 age group who are into competition more than aesthetics will put up with that to see some sliders or jumpers. Maybe it’s even accurate. All I know is the chats I have seen are unhappy with the coverage by about 4-1; this is the first time I can remember using the DVR to fast-forward through the programming as much as the commercials.

The allure of the Olympics is such not even NBC can ruin it completely. Watching the joy of Canada win its first gold medals on home soil was uplifting. Apolo Anton Ohno is an engaging personality with a load of talent in an entertaining sport. I’m not into snowboarding, but Shaun White is impossible not to watch. Lindsey Vonn would be America’s sweetheart if she were a skater. The hockey tournament will be riveting as the elimination games begin.

If only I knew when they’d be on.

Struggling for a Topic

I try to post something here at least once a week so my legion of regular readers have something to look forward to when they adjourn from their meetings in a carnival photo booth. It’s been hard lately. I try to stay timely, but look at the options:

Health Care
I’m getting Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from typing about health care, and I’m not positive I’m insured for it.

Politics
As this column shows, writing about politics is currently beneath even me, which is kind of like saying someone is such a low-life, not even Rod Blagojevich will drink with him. Even if he buys. Things are officially bad when one becomes nostalgic for such statesmen as C. L. Schmidt and Bill Scranton.

Chicago’s Failed Olympic Bid
Good for Rio. South America’s first Olympics and a time zone ahead of us for a change, so NBC won’t too badly butcher the concept of “plausibly live.” That’s about all there is to say about that, and it’s not worth an entire post. Obama’s trip to Copenhagen? Bad PR, insignificant otherwise. See above comment.

Sports
The most exciting baseball news for me this summer is the Pirates’ heroic chase to avoid 100 losses. Last night’s rainout helped their chances as much as a win. Still too early in the Steelers’ season to get worked up, and the Penguins don’t start until tonight.

At least the baseball playoffs start next week. I may be sleep deprived, but I’ll be interested. Since the Pirates have kept their seventeen year streak of ineptitude alive, here are my rooting interests for baseball’s post season, in decreasing order.

NATIONAL LEAGUE
Colorado Rockies – The Sibling Correspondent and his family are Rox fans. That’s good enough for me. Who could root against a team with a player named Tulowitzki?

St. Louis Cardinals – Maybe the best baseball town in America. Tony LaRussa’s kind of a tool, but Albert Pujols is the shit.

Philadelphia Phillies – A tough choice. They could have been second—I like a lot of their players—but they’re from Philadelphia. The schadenfreude potential of watching their obnoxious fans lose drops them to third.

Los Angeles Dodgers – Again, a lot of players to like, and Joe Torre. Man Ram outweighs them all.

AMERICAN LEAGUE
Detroit Tigers – Jim Leyland was the last Pirate manager to win more games than he lost for even a single season, and that was in 1992. He gets it, too. Told the players early in the year things were tough in Motown, so running out ground balls would be a good idea. Owner Tom Ilitch has also done what he can with ticket prices and promos. Be nice for Michigan to win one after Michigan State (college basketball) and the Red Wings (hockey) came so close. (No sympathy for the Wings. Pens rule!)

Boston Red Sox – Normally the Number One choice for a card carrying fan of Red Sox Nation, but the Tigers have a lot of intangibles, and the Sox payroll and revenues have turned them into Yankees Lite. The David Ortiz revelations don’t help, either, no matter how much he denies them.

Los Angeles California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – I’ve always been a Mike Scioscia fan, and I love the way they play the game. I almost put them Number 2, but realized they’ll play the Sox in the first round, and I’d wind up rooting for the Sox without thinking about it just out of habit.

New York Yankees – Yankees suck.

The World Series? National League always trumps the American League, unless they send the Dodgers, or the Junior Circuit sends the Sox. (Maybe the Tigers.) If the Dodgers play the Yankees, it’s time to check the hockey listings.

The Beijing Olymics are Over

NBC can take its tongue out of China's ass now.

Better to Remain Silent and..

Composer Peter Breiner is upset that the Beijing Olympics are allegedly using his orchestrations of national anthems without obtaining the rights from him. Have you heard the version of the "Star-Spangled Banner" they're using? I have, several tmes, and I don't think I'd be drawing attention to myself over it.