If It Walks Like a Goose

Baseball’s Tampa Bay Devil Rays, a star franchise since its creation in 1998 (best season: 70-91 in 2004; all-time winning percentage: .399), is currently dealing with yet another shining moment. A restraining order has been granted to the wife of rookie outfielder Elijah Dukes, preventing the Rays’ player from having any contact with her. This comes after Dukes barged into the middle school classroom where she is a teacher to confront her. Dukes has also allegedly threatened to kill her and her children, and emailed a photo of a gun to her cell phone.

Dukes was benched for a couple of days, but was in the lineup for the Rays’ weekend games against the White Sox in Chicago. Manager Joe Madden recently asked Dukes to stop staring at umpires in a threatening manner when he disagreed with ball and strike calls.

Dukes is a graduate of Tampa’s Hillsborough High School, alma mater to such illustrious baseball names as Dwight Gooden, Gary Sheffield, and Carl Everett. A check of the Hillsborough High School web site shows the team nickname to be the Terriers. Rumors they are considering changing to the Assholes could not be verified.